You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Im part way to drunk.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
