I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
