i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
