Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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