I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
