I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
