My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Randomize
