new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
