Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
