Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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