Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
