Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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