you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize