you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
