Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
