i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize