Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
