i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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