you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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