I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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