If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Is it because I queefed?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I checked into jail on foursquare
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
