Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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