Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
