So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize