If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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