Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
