i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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