Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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