I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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