I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
