my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
