he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
