Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
