Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize