Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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