Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
