also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I looked at my own cervix.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she pinky promised me she was 18
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
