My ATM looks so different sober.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He shit in the fireplace
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
