I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
where are you?
Hypothermia
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
