Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
