Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
birth control should be required to get into college
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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