life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
