and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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