he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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