I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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