it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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