How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
