I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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