I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
