Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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