My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
