the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm way too hungover for life right now
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
