Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
