Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
