i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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