I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
