my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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