just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
