I wannas sexs uuuuu
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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