Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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