happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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