you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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